On Determination…

“I’m tired…”

Two words that encompass a slew of feelings, descriptions and states of being.
It’s what comes after the first two words that makes it far from a simple statement.

“… of being picked on.”
“… of being passed over.”
“… of not feeling good enough.”
“… of all this.”

They’re far from being uncommon statements. We may keep them in our heads, but we all think them.

Every single one of us.

Even me.
I’m tired of waiting for people to see what I have to offer.
I’m tired of having people walk all over me and mine.
I’m tired of having to repress my true nature because it might hurt someone who doesn’t matter’s feelings.

No more. I’m tired of being tired.

I’ve spent nearly 30 years living my life, trying to fit in in around the spaces of other peoples lives.
I get pushed out, pushed around and trampled on. I’m only good to them when they need something from me.
I’m never good to them when they’ve got things to give.

I’ve been broken, physically and mentally by things that would have reduced these people to gibbering wrecks years ago.
I’ve had my years taken from me, toiling in obscurity in the hope that somehow, if I worked hard enough, things would get better. Like I’d somehow pass some magical line, level up somehow and every single problem would disappear into the air, like fog in the morning sunshine.
I’ve had my dreams and hopes crushed mercilessly by people who’s IQ is lower than my shoe size.
I’ve been belittled, degraded and humiliated.

And I’m still here. Still standing. Broken, beaten, bruised and battered. I haven’t given up. I haven’t gotten tired of that. Not yet.

So I’m going to fight back, in my own way, against the crap that has been piled up against me for so very long.

I don’t care about people who are self serving. I don’t care for people who only want to hurt me and mine. I will stop people dead in their tracks if they are wasting my time. My time is my own, and it is precious to me. I will no longer be subservient to people who do nothing to earn it.

I don’t care about peoples fragile egos any longer. If they try to insulate themselves from reality by using and abusing the lives, dreams and trust of others then they deserve to be exposed utterly to reality and its harshness.

I’ve not lived by their sword, why should I die by it?

This is my life, and I choose to live it. And I wish damnation on those who attempt to prevent me from living my life. I was granted a second chance and people have spent years attempting to make that second chance be wasted.

I’ve something to fight for now. I’m fighting for me. And damn anyone that decides I shouldn’t for some inane selfish reason.

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